1 is the loneliest number

I hate the fact that I can't seem to be able to keep and maintain a friendship. I have lived in the same general area my entire adult life and I have yet to be able to maintain a single friendship long term. If I wanted to go to the movies right now, I would have a hard time finding someone willing to go with me. I am not mean, I think I am just awkward and not self aware enough to realize if I am being thoughtless. I try to make up for it by being super generous and eager to please, but so far that's a fail. The suckiest part is that I never catch on that people don't want to be my friend anymore for far too long. I just keep messaging them and wondering what is going on until one day it hits me: they just don't like me. Sometimes I wish people would just tell the truth so I wouldn't be humiliated by my own ignorance, and maybe if I knew why I suck so much I could learn how to not do it in the future. I never do it on purpose. I want to be a good friend, nobody wants to be lonely all the time. I jokingly told my doctor I would love to be a hermit and eat cookies but I know that isn't true because I miss people. Depression sometimes makes me hide for days or weeks but it never keeps me from wanting to get better and have friends and a happy life. I just need to learn how.